I dropped my phone

As I am sitting down to ... ahem... #1.... My phone became fed up with my butt pocket (probably sat on too many hard surfaces or let loose too many... anyway..) She plunged right into the porcelain throne and promptly sunk to the bottom. It's ten thirty at night, I don't have time for my phones crap! So giving 0 f*cks, and almost on instinct, my hand follows the phone in to retrieve it. (EEEWWW!!) I fish the phone out and stare at it, not knowing what to do. My Phone Is Full Of Toilet Water! So I decide that the logical thing to do, since it's already water damaged, is to rinse it and my hands off in the sink.   ...   Because adding MORE water will fix the water problem! .. and I set it on the counter because I still have to go potty... my phone can wait. (sorry HTC, that's really how crummy your phones are.) Afterwards, I try to quietly find out container of rice... It took forever.
OK, LISTEN. our family does not do things normally. Our kitchen is rearranged more than the NFL stats. we can never find ANYTHING, even though the rearranging is supposed to make everything more efficient. Not only that, but we have like, 19,348,464,597 drawers and cupboards in the kitchen. so the rice can be almost ANYWHERE.
I'm telling you this because I have to quietly hunt down the rice in this labyrinth of cabinets and appliances, because my family has gone to bed. (yes, at ten thirty, don't judge!) After like, 7 minutes of searching, I find it! The rice! In one of the loudest-to-open containers ever made by the universe. When you open it, it lets loose a sound not unlike an eagle being slayed by the tin man. It is BAD. But I bear though to save my baby. I say to hell with using a reasonable amount of rice! Fill the bag to the t-o-p and save my cell!!!

then...



... I had a little accident...



RICE EVERYWHERE!

I never thought seeing rice fall in slow motion would be almost majestic, but it was. I was a movie hero silently screaming "NNNOOOOOO!!" as I watched the grains tumble towards the hardwood.
Ksshhh!
After five full minutes of 'face palming I zip my phone into it's grain filled sleeping bag and hunt for the broom. And it is in the same spot as always, giving me some peace of mind, some hope that me and my family CAN be normal someday far FAR into the future.
Thank you, broom. You give me hope.
Get well soon you gross toiletey ricey phone.